I wanted to share my personal story about postpartum depression in hopes of shedding light to a topic rarely talked about by women. I have been blessed enough not to have endured an extreme case of postpartum depression yet I feel mine is a story that many women have endured in secret...
So let the transparency begin...
My beautiful baby girl was born on June 17, 2011...She was such a precious gift to my husband and I. She was and is so beautiful! That time in the hospital was so precious...here was what we waited for for 40weeks and 3 days! It was an amazing experience!
My husband and I chose to have a natural birth and for me to nurse our baby hopefully for a year. We took a birthing class and prepared as much as one could for this event in life! Like most life-changing events, you cant really know how it feels until you are there...People tell you:
"You never knew you could love someone like this did you?!"
"You just never realize the places in your heart to love until you have a child!"...
While all of this is true, what we fail to talk about and share to each other as women is the flip-side of all of this...that in order to love this little one the way your heart is longing to love, you are first faced with your own faults, your own pain, your own failures, your own anger and your own rejection...Childbirth is a miracle not just because a new life comes into the world in the form of a baby, but because new life is offered to a mother and father once again...should they choose to heal.
Once home with my daughter and husband, my heart began this journey....I cant pin-point when the battle started but you see, all I had in my head were these phrases that countless mothers had shared with me, and all the while I was battling inwardly with the exposure of my heart... I am a failure, I cant do this, I wish my life would have been like___ , I am angry at ___ for ___... You fill in the blanks cause for many of you it was the same...
On one-hand I was experiencing those moments...those precious moments of connecting with my baby and feeling this thing inside of me wanting to give her the world...and at the same time I was suddenly being confronted with what I didn't get and who hurt me and my inability to give what I was wanting to give to my child...and to top it off I was a hormonal mess with a faulty idea that my baby should be nursing for 45mins and was only nursing 5 mins (that's another lie to expose on another post--she still nurses only 15mins and is healthy)
So what does someone do when they are dealing with such emotions as these but being told by society that they should be so cheerful all the time???
Come on ladies you know...WE PRETEND!
(We put on a good face and late that night when everyone is gone we cry, eat a bag of Oreos, drink a coke, or whatever fleshly coping device we have in our lives.)
Very few people besides my husband, knew that I was battling this depression...
You see after awhile my husband and I realized that what was really going on was an opportunity for healing...God was graciously exposing unresolved issues in my heart and giving me a chance to forgive, heal, and move on so I could love my little girl the way I was longing to love her! You see, from my experience, depression commonly raises up its ugly head when FREEDOM is near...it tries to distract you, condemn you, and bind you to your anger, unforgiveness, and bitterness...Because it knows that if you make it past the "exposing-stage" of healing and truly let go off these things that you will have grasped a hold of FREEDOM, something depression cant contend with though it may try!
So, I would love to tell you that the second we realized this that my struggle went away...well no, but the struggle became a battle and the battle is becoming a victory!
I must choose wholeness and healing in my life everyday! The more we are healed and made whole, the more Christ-like we become, the more Christ-like we become the more love we are capable of sharing and expressing!
The healing is in the process and though depression may try to rise up on occasion, I faithfully say... "It is under my feet!"
So what I would say to you mommies-to-be out there:
1) Express what is going on inside you after a life-changing experience like childbirth
2) Be prepared to have unresolved matters of your heart exposed after having given birth to your child
3) Christ and your husband are your rocks to lean upon in this time---so trust them both
4) Get pass the "exposure-stage" of healing and move on to freedom
5) Should depression try to sneak itself in, expose it! Do not isolate yourself, and without shame share what is going on...should it be an extreme case don't feel condemned, talk with God, your Husband, and your doctors to decide if something may be needed to help balance your hormones so you can deal with the issues of your heart more clearly...still lean on Him and still choose to heal!
and lastly...remember...
Childbirth is an opportunity for new-life for mom and dad! Begin to heal and move forward so you can love your husband and children the way you long to love them, and inturn maybe we will start to actually be able to love our neighbors and our enemies!
No comments:
Post a Comment