Bringing the Darkness into Light: My Personal Struggle with Postpartum Depression

I wanted to share my personal story about postpartum depression in hopes of shedding light to a topic rarely talked about by women. I have been blessed enough not to have endured an extreme case of postpartum depression yet I feel mine is a story that many women have endured in secret...

So let the transparency begin...

My beautiful baby girl was born on June 17, 2011...She was such a precious gift to my husband and I. She was and is so beautiful! That time in the hospital was so precious...here was what we waited for for 40weeks and 3 days! It was an amazing experience!

My husband and I chose to have a natural birth and for me to nurse our baby hopefully for a year. We took a birthing class and prepared as much as one could for this event in life! Like most life-changing events, you cant really know how it feels until you are there...People tell you:

 "You never knew you could love someone like this did you?!"
"You just never realize the places in your heart to love until you have a child!"...

While all of this is true, what we fail to talk about and share to each other as women is the flip-side of all of this...that in order to love this little one the way your heart is longing to love, you are first faced with your own faults, your own pain, your own failures, your own anger and your own rejection...Childbirth is a miracle not just because a new life comes into the world in the form of a baby, but because new life is offered to a mother and father once again...should they choose to heal.

Once home with my daughter and husband, my heart began this journey....I cant pin-point when the battle started but you see, all I had in my head were these phrases that countless mothers had shared with me, and all the while I was battling inwardly with the exposure of my heart... I am a failure, I cant do this, I wish my life would have been like___ , I am angry at ___ for ___... You fill in the blanks cause for many of you it was the same...

On one-hand I was experiencing those moments...those precious moments of connecting with my baby and feeling this thing inside of me wanting to give her the world...and at the same time I was suddenly being confronted with what I didn't get and who hurt me and my inability to give what I was wanting to give to my child...and to top it off I was a hormonal mess with a faulty idea that my baby should be nursing for 45mins and was only nursing 5 mins (that's another lie to expose on another post--she still nurses only 15mins and is healthy)

So what does someone do when they are dealing with such emotions as these but being told by society that they should be so cheerful all the time???

Come on ladies you know...WE PRETEND!
(We put on a good face and late that night when everyone is gone we cry, eat a bag of Oreos, drink a coke, or whatever fleshly coping device we have in our lives.)

Very few people besides my husband, knew that I was battling this depression...

You see after awhile my husband and I realized that what was really going on was an opportunity for healing...God was graciously exposing unresolved issues in my heart and giving me a chance to forgive, heal, and move on so I could love my little girl the way I was longing to love her! You see, from my experience, depression commonly raises up its ugly head when FREEDOM is near...it tries to distract you, condemn you, and bind you to your anger, unforgiveness, and bitterness...Because it knows that if you make it past the "exposing-stage" of healing and truly let go off these things that you will have grasped a hold of FREEDOM, something depression cant contend with though it may try!

So, I would love to tell you that the second we realized this that my struggle went away...well no, but the struggle became a battle and the battle is becoming a victory!

I must choose wholeness and healing in my life everyday! The more we are healed and made whole, the more Christ-like we become, the more Christ-like we become the more love we are capable of sharing and expressing!

The healing is in the process and though depression may try to rise up on occasion, I faithfully say... "It is under my feet!"

So what I would say to you mommies-to-be out there:

1) Express what is going on inside you after a life-changing experience like childbirth
2) Be prepared to have unresolved matters of your heart exposed after having given birth to your child
3) Christ and your husband are your rocks to lean upon in this time---so trust them both
4) Get pass the "exposure-stage" of healing and move on to freedom
5) Should depression try to sneak itself in, expose it! Do not isolate yourself, and without shame share what is going on...should it be an extreme case don't feel condemned, talk with God, your Husband, and your doctors to decide if something may be needed to help balance your hormones so you can deal with the issues of your heart more clearly...still lean on Him and still choose to heal!

and lastly...remember...

Childbirth is an opportunity for new-life for mom and dad! Begin to heal and move forward so you can love your husband and children the way you long to love them, and inturn maybe we will start to actually be able to love our neighbors and our enemies!

The Birth Of Emerald

Its been nearly a month since the birth of our beautiful girl and I am just now sitting down to tell her story...

Joshua had the day off of work Thursday June 16th, which was great since I had a doctors appointment that day around 11am. We headed to the appointment excited thinking maybe I will be dilated to a three or more...maybe the baby is on the way since we are two days past the due date...

We got to the appointment and we were a little sad to hear that I was only at a one...especially since I thought I had been having contractions some that morning. So, we talked to the midwife about how long they would let me go past my due date, what our plans were if I did go that long, and when she would see me next. I had a contraction while I was being checked, and the midwife told me a might have a few today (but it wouldn't really be labor). So we left the appointment and went about our day...I continued to have contractions from about noon on...We finally decided this must be it because the contractions were pretty consistent!

We labored at home from around noon til a little after midnight. The contractions continued to strengthen and started out at 5 mins apart and progressed to close to 3/4 mins apart with some double contractions before we decided to head to the hospital! Once again we were so excited thinking I would get there and they would tell me I was at a 6 or 7...But that wasn't the case...I was only 3cm after laboring from noon til 1am...However, because I did seem to be progressing they let us officially check into the hospital around 2 or 3am.

We continued to labor as we did at home...Our goal was to have the baby natural with no medicine! I was given no iv at our request and the baby received only intermittent monitoring also at our request. This allowed Josh and I a lot more freedom to move around and labor how we desired. We walked the halls, used the birthing ball, the squat bar, the shower, and everything else that was made available to us. The contractions were almost all in the front for me, and I continued to have double contractions. We continued laboring into the next morning. Looking back I can see how hard it was thinking I must be dilated pretty far but finding out I was dilating much slower than expected despite me having such strong contractions...BUT its never just about how dilated you are...there are other factors that play a part. Since having arrived at the hospital Emerald's head was notable low and around 7am I told Josh that I was wanting to push and asked him to get a nurse to check me...

The new nurse came in and as she checked me she asked if I was pushing with my contractions. I told her it was hard not to because of the pressure. She told me I was only at 5cm and had to do my best to not push! This was an extremely hard task given how low Emerald's head was and that I was already lying on my side in a gravity neutral position...This was the LONGEST hour of my labor. It was also the HARDEST, but through the encouragement of my wonderful husband and the support of the nurses I was able to get through the hour with out any medicine...Around 7:15-7:30am the midwife came in and I believe I was around 7cm and by around 8am I had gone from 5cm to 10cm and was told I could push. I was already pushing before even though I tried not to push :)

At this point Josh and I had been awake for over 24 hours but the exhaustion seemed to disappear once we realized we were really about to see our beautiful baby girl! The pushing was a relief for me from the contractions and pressure I had been feeling. I only had to push for about 30 minutes before our beautiful Emerald joined us! The pushing was slow and controlled with the head and I rested lots in between pushes. Once her head came the rest came without any pushing and at 8:33am on Friday, June 17, 2011 Emerald was born. She weighed 6lbs 15oz and was 19in long...The most beautiful baby ever!

Thank you Lord for a healthy baby and for a 100% natural delivery...Thank you Josh for all the love, support, encouragement, motivation, and patience...Thank you for all the support and encouragement from the nurses and the midwife...I was blessed to have a wonderful birth experience and thank God daily for my daughter...I cant wait for the next one!

Our First Birthing Class

This past Sunday Josh and took our first Bradley Class. We are so excited! This method for child birth centers around educating both wife and husband on labor as well as proper exercise and nutrition during pregnancy; the Bradley Method also gives tips for relaxation and breathing while in labor. The class is focused around the husband being the coach in the delivery room...something that Josh and I both love! Our first class was mostly on pregnancy exercises and becoming acquainted with everyone...we enjoyed it so much and are so thankful God provided us the means to take this course!!

While I want and pray for faith enough to have a pain-free natural childbirth, education and awareness are always a good thing! Ignoring issues that cause fear to rise up in oneself,  isn't faith...its, well, still fear manifesting. By being confronted with the truths about labor and delivery, I can identify my specific fears, and together Josh and I can combat them in prayer! Through faith, we will believe for a natural pain-free childbirth...and yes, my prayer now to Jesus is
I BELIEVE NOW HELP ME IN MY UNBELIEF LORD! I AM NOT THERE YET! 

The Beginnings

I am in the beginnings...my first child Emerald Joy will be born this summer! My wonderful husband and I are so excited...life is a beautiful precious thing from God, and we feel privileged to be entering into parenthood!